Practice Me NOT: 11 Ways to Commit Business Suicide

In Greed We Trust via the Khan Factor

 (*)Names have been changed to protect the identity of the actual businesses, as well as, the sources. So that means yes, they are very real.

Sure we all want to make a buck and think that embellishing here, a little praising there and some Jack Daniels nearby won’t hurt at all.

WRONG!

Want to kill off your business?

Be my guest…

  • I say this, but I really mean this:

Bookworm Pornography* is a publishing house that prides itself on producing romance novels. Romance is a literary genre that primarily focuses on relationships and love. They must end by satisfying the reader with some luscious amount of gooey optimism and emotional happy-happy-joy-joy. The majority of Bookworm Pornography’s* works, however, are erotic.

Romance ≠Erotic (and) Romance + Erotic = Erotic-Romance.

Do not advertise your brand as something you are not.

When the nice little preacher’s wife in Middle America nearly gets a heart attack because she thinks she’s reading about a knight in shining armor, but rather, gets some lewd and lascivious story about a man eyeing a woman with his “meaty codfish,” you will get the entire coalition filing against you…maybe some book burning too. FREE PUBLICITY *yay!*cough*NO*

Do yourself a favor, if you say you represent one ideal – actually represent it. Do not embellish who you are to gain more business. Eventually, you will be found out and your fall from grace will ignite the Wrath of Khan…or something like it.

  • …oh, and I also meant to say this too:

Bookworm Pornography* is also infamous for supplying their readers with online .pdf versions of novels.

Convenient? Yes! Cheap? Yeah, baby! Intriguing? Gimmie more!

The catch?

Readers are paying for reading materials that are littered with grammatical errors and random page breaks. When in doubt, grab a second or third set of eyes to proofread your product and don’t let your editors proof the same materials they submitted for publication. Sure once or twice, a mistake here and there, won’t kill you or destroy your brand.

But consistently? Death.

The grammar addicts will hunt you down and burn you syllable by syllable at the stakes.

  • Because God Said So:

Each Wednesday EconoTransport* holds a staff meeting that is opened by a five-minute prayer and the reiteration of the “circle of power” – a preacher, who often speaks in tongues rattling on about “God” and “Jesus.”

Just because your employees are polite (or fear losing their jobs for not agreeing with you,) does not mean you can bombard them with your personal beliefs in the workplace. Projecting ideas to anyone, but those people who subscribe to same beliefs as you, is offensive no matter what you think. Again, the world does not revolve around you.

The same rule should apply to politics. If you offend someone, deeply enough, they can make a case for harassment and then you can get all the free publicity you need…and a court of law hearing.

C’mon now, let’s be real, what would Jesus do?

  • I have a great idea, let’s get wasted:

Instead of returning to the office after a deposition or hearing, the lawyers at Gooey Huey & Associates* law firm often take field trips to a strip-club or a bar.

Do not venture away from the workplace, or take your clients, to places where women of the night, and men of the wee-early hours of the morning, work. That is unless you happen to be defending these people in a court of law.

Just because you enjoy all the nakedness, raunchy swivels of the hips and bodily fluids, does not mean your clients will, or that, when you are called back to court, the judge will be appreciative of your extracurricular activities.

If you want to get toasted, walk around with handles of Jack and toss around single-dollar bills, there is a time and place for that…it’s called personal time.

  • Marsha! Marsha! Marsha:

So Frank Doe* is just a little cranky these days. The wifey is driving him mad, the kids are too young to heed what he says, his mother keeps visiting his house, his mother-in-law won’t stop calling, his father just doesn’t get it and his workplace? Well, Frankie Doe’s workplace isn’t all sunshine and daisies either. So he’s either really happy or really angry…all the time.

Do not throw a temper tantrum aimed at your employees or the people in customer service trying to help you out.

You are not five. You are an adult, act like one…then go to the doctor to get you some Adderall (amphetamine and dextroamphetamine) like a real multi-tasker…at your own risk.

I know the big bad world is after you. Guess what? It’s after me and your best friend too; it’s after all of us, but you don’t see us taking it lying down.

The only way to get yourself out of the hole you are in is by WANTING to get yourself out. Not throwing a temper tantrum to vent your frustrations on innocent bystanders.

Suck it up and walk like the man (or woman) I know you can be, we’ll respect you a hell of a lot more for it.

  • I man, you woman:

Male chauvinism? Get over it.

I know that there are some of you out there who really think that women are subservient, only good for procreation, recreational sex and should remain as secretaries who make less money than you.

This is not the jungle, you are not Tarzan and I am not Jane.

You can be Draco Malfoy and I’ll be Hermione Granger. Where is my wand so I can blast some sense into you?

Everyone should have the same opportunities to prove themselves. At the end of the day, someone’s gender should not dictate their professional progression or how they are treated (ladies, the same rules apply to you in the reverse situation. This is not a Sam Rami production and you are not Xena or an Amazon.)

And sexual harassment? Don’t even go there unless you which to stand before a judge and get fired. Simple. I hear Bubba is looking for a girlfriend.

  • Hanging the Smelly Laundry Out to Dry & Tossing out the Old Jeans:

Jane Doe-Boe* works with Mary Allison Doe*, her sister. Poor Jane has this consistent habit of not only outing all of Mary’s exploits but also outing the exploits of the company they share, Faraway Future.* Just because you are pissy about something or someone doesn’t mean you need to share that sentiment with the rest of the world.

Losing your cool, and sweating the small stuff will make you seem inadequate and not up the task at hand. This is especially true if that task is handed to you by a client with a huge project.

If you have no license on your mouth, it really won’t matter how truly brilliant you are at your profession. You will be tolerated, not admired or respected. You want to show the client you are capable and mature enough to handle their business.

Even though that pair of jeans is from last season, doesn’t mean you should throw it out. Just because you need to cut costs in a recession, doesn’t mean you should be axing your communications department – a department built to promote YOUR brand.

Hampering your product cheapens your brand no matter who you are.

  • OMG, but there’s like NO Money, dude:

TNL Docks* is hurting by the recession. So much so, they’ve resorted to buying the cheapest coffee, put up a fight against purchasing artificial sweetener (because it costs more versus regular sugar) for their employees, kicked up a huge fuss over purchasing more plastic kitchenware – oh, and they got rid of all the office plants because they cost too much to maintain. Recently, TNL Docks* hired a new employee, who was previously an outside contracted worker, who “analyzes” and “decodes” ways to streamline their business in preparation for when the company “grows dramatically.” Currently, TNL Docks* has 11 employees.

The respect your employees have for you will slowly diminish if they see you giving them pay cuts and cutting down on office “luxuries” because you are strapped for cash, yet, spend oodles frivolously.

Do not waste money on something you do not really need in preparation for the future of your company. Think about the NOW.

If you do not consider your present situation, then there will be no future situation to fix.

Be smart about your money – invest it wisely.

You aren’t a Fortune 500 yet, so don’t act like one. You need to know where you are, and where you came from before you can get where you are going. Otherwise, you are just being hypocritical. 

  • Don’t beam me up, Scottie! No:

Right so, everyone around you, including Oprah, seems to have this thing called Twitter and you just don’t get it. Well, neither does Mary Allison Doe.* She’s been running her business for nearly 25-years and doesn’t “quite get this young people thing!”

Do not fear social media. Just because you do not understand something, does not mean you should knock it down or propagate fear of it.

Ask a question, old padwaan, and an answer you shall receive.

Embrace technology – it is the way of the future. Do you want to be able to communicate with your clients abroad for free via video chat? Try Skype.

  • What NOT to Tweet:

Same ideology goes for jumping on the social media bandwagon. Just because you are on it now, doesn’t mean you should abuse it. See Part I of the Suicide Series: What NOT To Tweet – 10 Ways to Commit Social Media Suicide

  • It’s about the HOW, NOT the what:

While, it is what you do that defines you: the choices you choose, make the lasting impressions.  You can grow your business honestly, with hard work, integrity and your feet on the ground. Or you can choose to be like Bernie Madoff.

The choice is yours.

Remember you actions will always speak louder than your words and a picture is worth a thousand words – especially, if there is more than one.

Cliché I know. But it’s the truth.

Keep it real, keep it classy and keep the ego to a minimum.

–

Sasha Muradali runs the ‘Little Pink Book’ . She holds a B.S. in Public Relations and an M.A. in International Administration and really loves the colour pink…ish pretty 🙂

Copyright © 2009 Sasha H. Muradali. All Rights Reserved.

Comments

  1. You have a really interesting voice and some clever things to say, but if you are a PR professional, you may want to consider hiring a copy editor for your blog.

    None of the mistakes you make are earth shattering, but if I were looking to hire someone to perform public relations for me, I would expect letter-perfect text, and that's not what I see here. I wouldn't call it business suicide as per your title, but you certainly aren't putting your best foot forward.

  2. Dear person who decided not to leave their name,

    If you are interested in taking on the position — I would be glad to have you on board 🙂

    Sx.

  3. You have a really interesting voice and some clever things to say, but if you are a PR professional, you may want to consider hiring a copy editor for your blog.

    None of the mistakes you make are earth shattering, but if I were looking to hire someone to perform public relations for me, I would expect letter-perfect text, and that's not what I see here. I wouldn't call it business suicide as per your title, but you certainly aren't putting your best foot forward.

  4. Dear person who decided not to leave their name,

    If you are interested in taking on the position — I would be glad to have you on board 🙂

    Sx.